Wednesday, February 7, 2007

If I Ruled the World

If I ruled the world, there'd be no movie sequels.
If I ruled the world, abusing an animal would be punishable by death.
If I ruled the world, nobody would have to work during the Tour de France in July.
If I ruled the world, Bob Marley's song, "Get Up, Stand Up" would be the National Anthem.
If I ruled the world, short people would always be in the front row.
If I ruled the world, "The Simpsons" would be cancelled, and "Arrested Development" would be resurrected.
If I ruled the world, the World Series, the Stanley Cup and the NBA Finals would only be 1 game.
If I ruled the world, Global Warming would be an environmental catastrophe, not a political issue.
If I ruled the world, I'd be on the Bestseller List.
If I ruled the world, Kelly Slater would be my personal surfing instructor.

4 comments:

steve said...

If I ruled the world, there'd be no Mayflower snobs decrying movie sequels when they've got 'Star Trek II,' 'Godfather II,' and 'Jaws 2' staring them straight in the face.

If I ruled the world, abusing an animal would be punishable by torture.

If I ruled the world, Rebekah would be locked in a small, COMPLETELY soundproof room for the entire length of the Tour de France.

If I ruled the world, the touching song 'God Bless America,' sung by the immortal Kate Smith, would the the national anthem (and, retroactively, Bob Marley would have died at birth and so spared us his nasal, stoner wailings).

If I ruled the world, short people would be punishable by death.

If I ruled the world, there'd be room on TV for BOTH the excellent, fantastic comedies 'The Simpsons' and 'Arrested Development.' And Mayflower snobs who denigrate the former would receive a small electric shock (maybe from one of those 'humane' dog-collars).

If I ruled the world, people who LIKE the Tour de France but DISLIKE the World Series would find their none-too-ample heinies deported to Froggyville.

If I ruled the world, conservative nubjobs who claim global warming ISN'T HAPPENING would have to EAT every polar bear who drowns because there's only open water where ice should be.

If I ruled the world, I'd be on the Bestseller List for my fast-paced Erasmus novel in which he's a gadget-laden super-spy of the Reformation, a masterpiece called "The Northern Humanist Hypochondriac Who Loved Me."

If I ruled the world, Kelly Slater would always look like he did when he was 18 - instead of the weather-beaten tiki idol he's become.

brian said...

If I ruled the world, I'd be on the cover of every tabloid linked to Jessica Biel one minute and Scarlett Johanssen the next.

In all seriousness Rebekah, sequels can be quite wonderful especially when they fit into the context of a whole story like the few Steve mentions. Yes, even 'Jaws 2'. I love teenagers in peril. I won't add the obvious ('Empire' or 'Two Towers'). How about 'Terminator 2', 'Mad Max 2', or 'Dawn of the Dead'? Would the rule of Rebekah mean that we would never have experienced these? Your rule sounds very dystopian.

If 'Get Up, Stand Up' becomes our national anthem, I'm hopping the first steamer to Froggyville!

Oh, and If I ruled the world I might actually know who Kelly Slater is. My first thought was that she was in 'Saved by the bell'. (speaking of shows we should bring back)

steve said...

She?

SHE???

Good GAWD!

Rebekah, post a picture! Quick!

Rebekah Bradford said...

Hey, I'm just trying to spare the world from Ocean's Twenty-Three and Rocky XVII.